EPISODE 4: The Struggles begin
From here on out I will do my best to tell an accurate accounting of events, but this is the point in my life where, in actuality, I was in a walking coma. It's literally like fourteen years of my life have been erased from my memory because of the Methadone. The only reason I can even recall enough to tell my story is because so many bad things happened during this period. For some reason the negative memories have stayed, but if you were to ask me about my son's first step or the first time he called me daddy I would have nothing to offer. A few things have stuck around like his first day of kindergarten when I walked out balling like a baby.
Before I started going to the doctor my relative lost her doctor and could no longer supply me with pills. I had lost my connection and had to figure something out quick. Without the Methadone the physical withdrawal was so bad I would have suicidal thoughts. This was a first for me. A lot of people have those types of thoughts when they are young teens and lose a first love or are bullied at school. It's just thoughts, right? I don't know if that's normal or not, but I never had those kinds of thoughts as a teen. Sure, I remember some times that were extremely painful at the time, but suicide never entered my brain.
My relative started going to the Methadone clinic and told me about it. This was an awakening, in a way, for me. The Methadone clinic was for junkies. You had to tell them you were an addict and had a problem you needed help with. They specifically tell you they are not a place for pain management. Well, at this point I knew I was chemically dependent on the pills, but I was in pain. I had never used heroin or abused opiates. I never had the desire to get high. I can honestly say when it comes to opiates (pain pills) I have never taken them for the sole purpose of getting high. I had no choice but to sign-up in my mind. You have to understand going back to the days of being curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out because of the pain was not an option. I had traded that for a cure that was worse than the disease and I had done it gladly. Taking that first pill was a mistake, but as far as mistakes go joining the Methadone clinic was the biggest mistake I have made in my life.
At this point my daily habit was 3-4 pills a day which is 30-40 milligrams of Methadone. The Methadone clinic advised that because they administered Methadone in liquid form I would need more than 30-40 milligrams to keep from having cravings. It was something to do with the fact that the body reacts differently to the liquid than it does the pill form. After three months they had me up to 100 milligrams. I would be nauseous and nodding off like a heroin addict after they shoot up. Before I joined the clinic I had a chemical dependency to pain medication which every single person that takes a medication everyday for anxiety, pain, and many other problems will have. There is a big difference between dependency and addiction. I believe the Methadone clinic was the biggest factor in my life when it comes to crossing the line between dependence and addiction.
So, when my mother's doctor agreed to treat me for the pain I was already in the grasp of addiction.
When I started seeing the doctor I was still going to the clinic and continued to do so for months. The doctor was giving me OxyContin for pain which I was selling to pay for the clinic because I had lost my job. The Methadone clinic was over $400 a month for a medication that is dirt cheap. I ended up getting scared straight when someone close to me when to jail for selling pills. An addicts worse fear is jail because it means going cold turkey in a horrible place. People die all the time from withdrawal in jail. Mostly from benzodiazepines (Xanax, valium) because violent seizures are associated with benzodiazepine withdrawal.
I quit going to the clinic and asked my doctor to switch me to Methadone. I started going to a small college and was studying psychology and law. I wanted to be a paralegal. The reason I wanted to be a paralegal was because I was obsessed with the TV show Law & Order. Crazy, huh? Nevertheless, I was doing it. I was still tiptoeing the line, though. I would sell some of my meds to friends and family that were addicts if they were dope sick. I also began taking Xanax for anxiety which you will see later cost me everything. I knew by now not to take Xanax everyday because that's how you develop a dependency. So, I would take Xanax in binges and when I say binges I mean every 2-4 weeks I would, for a day or two, take an entire months worth. I truly believe if I had only taken pain medication my life would have turned out much differently. Like I said, I never took pain meds to get high, but benzodiazepines (Xanax) I took to get wasted. I would go through life and anxiety and stress would build up and I'd binge on the Xanax for a day or two and I could breathe again for another couple of weeks. It is now known mixing Methadone and Xanax is the most dangerous drug combination. I personally know three people that died from mixing those two drugs. I was hospitalized three times and actually had to be revived once. I had no pulse in the ambulance. This is one secret I was able to keep from everyone. I had no personal info on me and when I woke up in the hospital I got dressed and walked out because the paramedics had shot me up with Narcan which immediately reverses the effects of opiates and puts the person in immediate withdrawal. Not even my mother knows about this. Dying, even if for only two minutes, you would think would be a wakeup call, but not for me.
So, I'm going to school and hanging on by a thread and I apply for a job with Citigroup. I thought I didn't have a prayer. I'd never worked in finance. Hell, I'd never worked in an office. The only kinds of jobs I'd ever had were blue collar jobs and I'd had a lot of them. Not a very impressive resume. Actually I didn't even have a resume, but what I do have is a brain, a personality, and a mouth. The three interviews got me that job and what a chance in life this was. The day I was hired I had incredible medical insurance, two weeks vacation, and ten sick days. It was called planned and unplanned time. The unplanned time was yours to do what you wanted. There was no having to call the boss and get an earful. If you wanted to leave early you just called the control desk and told them you were using how ever many hours of unplanned time and you left. It had great 401k and stock options. It was a dream job and my life greatly improved. My wife and I got back together. I was living with my son and that was my number one priority. A lot of the times I would binge on the Xanax was after I would sit and think about the fact I had become my father. History was repeating itself as history likes to do. I didn't completely walk out of my son's life, but I wasn't the father he deserved and I wasn't there to tuck him in at night. Now I was. Life couldn't have been better, but remember that promise I made a long time ago to God? Well, I never really forgot it. I just tried to ignore it with disastrous results. God had not forgotten. When God calls someone to ministry He has a purpose and a plan for them. Jonah, it says hid in the belly of a whale to hide from God's calling. I don't know if that's a metaphor or not and I'm not writing this to debate theology, but I had been hiding too. I had my own sort of "belly of a whale"; Addiction. But, you can't hide or run from God forever and I'm about to run, actually drive, right into His crosshairs........To Be Continued.
My relative started going to the Methadone clinic and told me about it. This was an awakening, in a way, for me. The Methadone clinic was for junkies. You had to tell them you were an addict and had a problem you needed help with. They specifically tell you they are not a place for pain management. Well, at this point I knew I was chemically dependent on the pills, but I was in pain. I had never used heroin or abused opiates. I never had the desire to get high. I can honestly say when it comes to opiates (pain pills) I have never taken them for the sole purpose of getting high. I had no choice but to sign-up in my mind. You have to understand going back to the days of being curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out because of the pain was not an option. I had traded that for a cure that was worse than the disease and I had done it gladly. Taking that first pill was a mistake, but as far as mistakes go joining the Methadone clinic was the biggest mistake I have made in my life.
At this point my daily habit was 3-4 pills a day which is 30-40 milligrams of Methadone. The Methadone clinic advised that because they administered Methadone in liquid form I would need more than 30-40 milligrams to keep from having cravings. It was something to do with the fact that the body reacts differently to the liquid than it does the pill form. After three months they had me up to 100 milligrams. I would be nauseous and nodding off like a heroin addict after they shoot up. Before I joined the clinic I had a chemical dependency to pain medication which every single person that takes a medication everyday for anxiety, pain, and many other problems will have. There is a big difference between dependency and addiction. I believe the Methadone clinic was the biggest factor in my life when it comes to crossing the line between dependence and addiction.
So, when my mother's doctor agreed to treat me for the pain I was already in the grasp of addiction.
When I started seeing the doctor I was still going to the clinic and continued to do so for months. The doctor was giving me OxyContin for pain which I was selling to pay for the clinic because I had lost my job. The Methadone clinic was over $400 a month for a medication that is dirt cheap. I ended up getting scared straight when someone close to me when to jail for selling pills. An addicts worse fear is jail because it means going cold turkey in a horrible place. People die all the time from withdrawal in jail. Mostly from benzodiazepines (Xanax, valium) because violent seizures are associated with benzodiazepine withdrawal.
I quit going to the clinic and asked my doctor to switch me to Methadone. I started going to a small college and was studying psychology and law. I wanted to be a paralegal. The reason I wanted to be a paralegal was because I was obsessed with the TV show Law & Order. Crazy, huh? Nevertheless, I was doing it. I was still tiptoeing the line, though. I would sell some of my meds to friends and family that were addicts if they were dope sick. I also began taking Xanax for anxiety which you will see later cost me everything. I knew by now not to take Xanax everyday because that's how you develop a dependency. So, I would take Xanax in binges and when I say binges I mean every 2-4 weeks I would, for a day or two, take an entire months worth. I truly believe if I had only taken pain medication my life would have turned out much differently. Like I said, I never took pain meds to get high, but benzodiazepines (Xanax) I took to get wasted. I would go through life and anxiety and stress would build up and I'd binge on the Xanax for a day or two and I could breathe again for another couple of weeks. It is now known mixing Methadone and Xanax is the most dangerous drug combination. I personally know three people that died from mixing those two drugs. I was hospitalized three times and actually had to be revived once. I had no pulse in the ambulance. This is one secret I was able to keep from everyone. I had no personal info on me and when I woke up in the hospital I got dressed and walked out because the paramedics had shot me up with Narcan which immediately reverses the effects of opiates and puts the person in immediate withdrawal. Not even my mother knows about this. Dying, even if for only two minutes, you would think would be a wakeup call, but not for me.
So, I'm going to school and hanging on by a thread and I apply for a job with Citigroup. I thought I didn't have a prayer. I'd never worked in finance. Hell, I'd never worked in an office. The only kinds of jobs I'd ever had were blue collar jobs and I'd had a lot of them. Not a very impressive resume. Actually I didn't even have a resume, but what I do have is a brain, a personality, and a mouth. The three interviews got me that job and what a chance in life this was. The day I was hired I had incredible medical insurance, two weeks vacation, and ten sick days. It was called planned and unplanned time. The unplanned time was yours to do what you wanted. There was no having to call the boss and get an earful. If you wanted to leave early you just called the control desk and told them you were using how ever many hours of unplanned time and you left. It had great 401k and stock options. It was a dream job and my life greatly improved. My wife and I got back together. I was living with my son and that was my number one priority. A lot of the times I would binge on the Xanax was after I would sit and think about the fact I had become my father. History was repeating itself as history likes to do. I didn't completely walk out of my son's life, but I wasn't the father he deserved and I wasn't there to tuck him in at night. Now I was. Life couldn't have been better, but remember that promise I made a long time ago to God? Well, I never really forgot it. I just tried to ignore it with disastrous results. God had not forgotten. When God calls someone to ministry He has a purpose and a plan for them. Jonah, it says hid in the belly of a whale to hide from God's calling. I don't know if that's a metaphor or not and I'm not writing this to debate theology, but I had been hiding too. I had my own sort of "belly of a whale"; Addiction. But, you can't hide or run from God forever and I'm about to run, actually drive, right into His crosshairs........To Be Continued.
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