Episode 2: Rags & Sexual Abuse to Riches & Emotional abuse
Episode 2
So, my father adopts me around four and my sister, Jessica, is born in 1980. I don't have many memories of this time in my life. My mother and my sisters fathers marriage did not last long. Around 1982 my mother meets the man that would raise me from age 7 to 18. My step-father Jon who was the third father figure in my short life. My mothers marriage to Jon was a blessing in many ways and a curse in a few. Jon owned and still owns a precious metal business that gave us a very comfortable upbringing. Private schools and the nicest clothes and shoes. Jon was also a self-proclaimed born again Christian. I would call him legalistic. His views were his views and therefore they were to be our views. Jon and my mother had my sister Jennifer in 1983 and my brother Josh in 1986. We, as a family, were in church at least three times a week. My Christian faith is the one positive I got out of my upbringing. Yes, it was a materialistically comfortable upbringing but Jon and I had a serious personality conflict. A lot of it had to do with just having the stinking attitude that some teenage boys have and a lot of it had to do with the fact that my step-father was a prick. As I look back and what I know now about Jon I can say without hesitation he was a hypocrite. In our home we were only aloud to listen to Christian music and watch Christian shows. We were completely sheltered from the real world. During my teen years my life was God and basketball. I wasn't the best but I had enough talent I could have gotten a scholarship to a small college. In 10th and 11th grade I was on that track attending a major public high school where I spoke with some college scouts but it was decided that my senior year I would go to probably the smallest private school in the city because one of the basketball coaches at this private school was a prominent member of our church. So long college. College scouts don't visit schools with a senior class of 12 students. Now, I do take some responsibility in this situation because my grades were slipping and I was acting out a little while attending the public school.
Now we have gotten past the boring biographical stuff and the real reason I'm writing this blog is about to start.
When I was 14 I got saved. Basically, I became a Christian and when I was 15 I felt that god was calling me into the ministry in some form or fashion. I made a promise and commitment to God to do this and I took it pretty serious thru my teenage years. At 18 I graduated high school and was still a virgin and had never touched drugs or alcohol. Basically, I was a good kid and I think my mama would vouch for me. The problem was I was so sheltered that I had no idea what awaited me in the real world. Everything started going downhill when after I graduated high school my step-father said I had to go. My mother was the one that had to inform me of this telling me she had to choose between me and her husband and I was deeply hurt and upset with her for a long time until I learned later how much control he had on her. It was not her fault. So, I was mad at her, my step-father, and God. So, I said forget ministry. I wanna be a cop. I had family members that were on the force and I looked up to them. My plan was to join the marine core for a tour and be a military police officer because any agency would hire an ex MP. Well that didn't work out because I'm legally blind and was denied by the marines. After that I was sort of lost and this is where my long painful journey really begins.
At 19 I started working at Publix on the night shift and started going out to clubs with coworkers. That's when the drinking began. It wasn't an everyday thing like I was an alcoholic but when I did seldom drink I always did it to excess. I drank to get drunk. Looking back I think it was a way to escape the sexual abuse, the lack of a real father son relationship, and what I thought was the rejection of my mother.
One weekend in June of 1995 I was hanging out with my cousin and had been up for two days. I usually drank when hanging out with my cousin but the decision not to drink was divine intervention. My cousin, a few of his friends, and I went to the beach. It was a beautiful day and we had a lot of fun until it started to rain. My cousins friend Chris had rode on the back of my cousins motorcycle on the way to the beach but because it was raining it was decided Chris would ride back with me. So, off we go from the beach. Its raining so hard we have to roll the windows up and without AC in my truck it was hot. Now remember I have already been up two days and just spent the day in the sun at the beach. We had been on the road 10-15 minutes and Chris notices the bible on my dash and says "what's up with that dude?" I turned the radio up and the next thing I remember is hearing Chris saying " what the hell are you doing" I had dozed off and him saying that woke me up in time to look up and see a concrete electrical pole in our faces,. My truck had a terrible alignment and when I dozed off and let go of the steering wheel at 70 mph the truck shot straight to the right into the pole. I went through the windshield doing severe damage to my lower back and right knee. Chris was not so lucky. He sustained severe head trauma and died later that night. Of courses the doctors had me on something, I don't know what, but when my mother woke me up in the middle of the night to inform me Chris had died I felt nothing. Suppressed emotions is a symptom of pain medication. I've really come to learn that but that's for later.
So, now I'm a killer. So what I wasn't drunk or high. I was in no shape to drive. And the fact that God opened the door for me to tell him he needed God in his life when he asked about my bible and I just avoided the topic moments before Chris was brain dead. God forgive me!!!!
Think I've been through enough? Think I've sabotaged myself and others enough? Think God has forgotten the promise I made at 15? Not even close...........To Be Continued
So, my father adopts me around four and my sister, Jessica, is born in 1980. I don't have many memories of this time in my life. My mother and my sisters fathers marriage did not last long. Around 1982 my mother meets the man that would raise me from age 7 to 18. My step-father Jon who was the third father figure in my short life. My mothers marriage to Jon was a blessing in many ways and a curse in a few. Jon owned and still owns a precious metal business that gave us a very comfortable upbringing. Private schools and the nicest clothes and shoes. Jon was also a self-proclaimed born again Christian. I would call him legalistic. His views were his views and therefore they were to be our views. Jon and my mother had my sister Jennifer in 1983 and my brother Josh in 1986. We, as a family, were in church at least three times a week. My Christian faith is the one positive I got out of my upbringing. Yes, it was a materialistically comfortable upbringing but Jon and I had a serious personality conflict. A lot of it had to do with just having the stinking attitude that some teenage boys have and a lot of it had to do with the fact that my step-father was a prick. As I look back and what I know now about Jon I can say without hesitation he was a hypocrite. In our home we were only aloud to listen to Christian music and watch Christian shows. We were completely sheltered from the real world. During my teen years my life was God and basketball. I wasn't the best but I had enough talent I could have gotten a scholarship to a small college. In 10th and 11th grade I was on that track attending a major public high school where I spoke with some college scouts but it was decided that my senior year I would go to probably the smallest private school in the city because one of the basketball coaches at this private school was a prominent member of our church. So long college. College scouts don't visit schools with a senior class of 12 students. Now, I do take some responsibility in this situation because my grades were slipping and I was acting out a little while attending the public school.
Now we have gotten past the boring biographical stuff and the real reason I'm writing this blog is about to start.
When I was 14 I got saved. Basically, I became a Christian and when I was 15 I felt that god was calling me into the ministry in some form or fashion. I made a promise and commitment to God to do this and I took it pretty serious thru my teenage years. At 18 I graduated high school and was still a virgin and had never touched drugs or alcohol. Basically, I was a good kid and I think my mama would vouch for me. The problem was I was so sheltered that I had no idea what awaited me in the real world. Everything started going downhill when after I graduated high school my step-father said I had to go. My mother was the one that had to inform me of this telling me she had to choose between me and her husband and I was deeply hurt and upset with her for a long time until I learned later how much control he had on her. It was not her fault. So, I was mad at her, my step-father, and God. So, I said forget ministry. I wanna be a cop. I had family members that were on the force and I looked up to them. My plan was to join the marine core for a tour and be a military police officer because any agency would hire an ex MP. Well that didn't work out because I'm legally blind and was denied by the marines. After that I was sort of lost and this is where my long painful journey really begins.
At 19 I started working at Publix on the night shift and started going out to clubs with coworkers. That's when the drinking began. It wasn't an everyday thing like I was an alcoholic but when I did seldom drink I always did it to excess. I drank to get drunk. Looking back I think it was a way to escape the sexual abuse, the lack of a real father son relationship, and what I thought was the rejection of my mother.
One weekend in June of 1995 I was hanging out with my cousin and had been up for two days. I usually drank when hanging out with my cousin but the decision not to drink was divine intervention. My cousin, a few of his friends, and I went to the beach. It was a beautiful day and we had a lot of fun until it started to rain. My cousins friend Chris had rode on the back of my cousins motorcycle on the way to the beach but because it was raining it was decided Chris would ride back with me. So, off we go from the beach. Its raining so hard we have to roll the windows up and without AC in my truck it was hot. Now remember I have already been up two days and just spent the day in the sun at the beach. We had been on the road 10-15 minutes and Chris notices the bible on my dash and says "what's up with that dude?" I turned the radio up and the next thing I remember is hearing Chris saying " what the hell are you doing" I had dozed off and him saying that woke me up in time to look up and see a concrete electrical pole in our faces,. My truck had a terrible alignment and when I dozed off and let go of the steering wheel at 70 mph the truck shot straight to the right into the pole. I went through the windshield doing severe damage to my lower back and right knee. Chris was not so lucky. He sustained severe head trauma and died later that night. Of courses the doctors had me on something, I don't know what, but when my mother woke me up in the middle of the night to inform me Chris had died I felt nothing. Suppressed emotions is a symptom of pain medication. I've really come to learn that but that's for later.
So, now I'm a killer. So what I wasn't drunk or high. I was in no shape to drive. And the fact that God opened the door for me to tell him he needed God in his life when he asked about my bible and I just avoided the topic moments before Chris was brain dead. God forgive me!!!!
Think I've been through enough? Think I've sabotaged myself and others enough? Think God has forgotten the promise I made at 15? Not even close...........To Be Continued
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